blurred lines
by nowIjustwannaswim 0-0
Summary: What happens when Izaya's cat dies? Will he be able to take it? or will he break permanently? i suck at summaries, story is better Shizaya rated T for attempted suicide, and death later on.
1. the cat

Shizuo POV

I walked down the street, mildly pissed off at the world. It was raining out, and I was lacking any umbrella. I was already soaked to the skin, and the cold air typical of Ikenbukero's winter was biting at me. Tom had let me off early, so I was heading to my apartment, seeing as I had nowhere else to go. Then, I smelled something: A slightly Cat-like smell that was unique, and belonged to a certain information broker. I turned around and ripped a lamp post out of the ground. In front of me stood the flea with his usual annoying smirk plastered on his face.

"IIIIIIIIIZAAAYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAA," I yelled, running after the flea. he ducked my first blow, but he seemed slower and less graceful then usual. My second swing flew passed his head close enough to chop a little bit of his hair off. I heard a sound from the flea. A sneeze. "the flea must be sick," i thought.

"What do you want, Flea?" i asked.

"Nothing. Just to annoy you." the flea ducked another one of me swings. i swung again, and hit the flea on the back of the leg, slicing through his jeans and into flesh. Izaya stopped. it was probably the first time he had ever gotten hurt. He collapsed, and turned over onto his back. he twitched dramatically. "You've killed me. i won't live another moment. i'm going to die" He said pathetically. and then he put on his usual anoying smirk. "Well, Shizu-chan. are you going to—" The flea doubled over in a fit of coughing, a drizzle of blood seeping from the corner of his mouth. I tilted my head in mild ucharacteristic concern. it would be wrong just to kill Izaya when he was in his current state. Instead of doing "the right thing" and helping the Flea, i turned around and resumed my walk to my apartment. The Flea yelled a few creative curses at me as i left.

Izaya POV

(a month later)

i have only been hurt by shizu-chan once. No matter. that had been emmbarasing, but i healed up fine. now when i walk, i only feel a slight twinge with each step.

I collapsed onto my couch after a long day of messing with peoples lives. Namie schoffed at me from her desk.

"Go home, Namie" I motioned fo her to leave. She stood up and left as quickly as possible. _what a robot_. My cat, Rhyolite jumped onto my lap and made herself at home.

I had found Rhyolite in a box when she was a kitten. in a strange surge of kindness, i hadtaken her home. and now she was my lifeline. she was black, with a wghite spot in the shape of a near perfect star on her shoulder of a bluish gray color. each day i spent hurting people was yaxing, mentally, physically and emotionally. i was falling apart. going insane. i cried myself to sleep. i have atempted suicide, but that is usless. i'll die ties me here, gives me reason to live. Her and Shizu-chan. I say i hate him. but i don't i can't. he's to innocent. oblivios to the horrors of the world. well, there's nothing i can do about that.

I carfully picked Rhyolite up, and placed her on my desk. i put my coat on and left.

looking back, i can ee my mistake easily, and it's so painfully obvious that i cannot believe the extent of my blunder, but moving on...

i lightly closed the door, and turned around. i skipped down the stairs, elevators made me sick, and went through the basement door, coming out in an alley next to my apartment building, and walking beside the street. it was raining, a downpour that was probably making records.i didn't put my hood up, though. i was already soaked to the skin. i walked on, my feet carrying me, my head down. the rain was soothing, and the cold brought me back into the world. my lovely humans where holed up in their homes. i was the only one outd=side, not counting the humans in the cars that rushed by, leaving me feeling like a leaf in the wind, out of control. i crossed the street and kept walking.

i stopped and leaned against a brick wall. i bowed my head and slid down the wall, lost in my self-pitying thoughts.

I must have fallen asleep at some point, not for long though. i woke up to the screech of breakes and the horrified scream of a cat.

I jolted my head up to see a black lump of fur on the ground. the owner of the car got out to inspect the damage and to see wat happend. I stod up and made my way over to him. he was a kid, of about seventeen, probably his first time driving without a coach.

"What happened?" i asked

"I was driving, and then this cat walked across the street, i tried to break, sir, i really did, but..." He leaned down and gave the lump of fur to me. i inspected it. it was dead, and streaked with blood, it's wounds hidden behind a thick swath of black fur.I continued my insppection, and came across a star shaped mark, located on it's shoulder.

"Rhyolite?" I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed. i looked up. the kid was gone, bloody coward. i walked over to the wall and sat down, cradling my cat and sobbing hysterically. I don't know how long i sat there, but eventually, i realised where my horrible, tratorios feet had taken me. Shizu-chan's apartment district.


	2. hate

Shizuo POV

I woke up this morning in a good mood, looking forward to work. I hopped out of bed, got dressed, and fixed myself a breakfast of eggs and milk. I got on the elevator and walked into the lobby of my apartment. I waved to the receptionist and walked outside. Where it was raining. Hard. I put my hands over my head and spewed a few very creative curses.

I looked at the ground, and saw a person huddled in the corner cradling something and heaving with uncontrolled sobs.

"Hello? Anyone home?" i asked, waying my options. option one: i could keep walking and ignore the shaking figure: option two: i could drive them into the ground. option three: i could actually care about them and try to be nice. I decided to go easy on them. I knelt down and asked: "Are you all right?"

"Do I look all right?" the person lifter their head, and wiped tears away. Izaya. the great informent was sitting on a sidewalk, crying over a lump of fur. He must be losing his touch.

"Izayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" i yelled, looking around for something to throw at him. i grabbed a guardrail on the stairs leading into a apartment, and lifted it above my head. below me, izaya put on a contented smirk and spread his arms. "You win. kill me. i don't care. it's ironic, though."

I dropped the peice of metal, and stood there, stunned. the great Orihara Izaya, the flea, the bane of my life, surrendering? was the world ending? "what?" i asked.

he laughed and stood up, still cradling the lump of fur. "Stupid shizu-chan. i would tell you, but i think that the lovely time i've had here has come to an end. I don't think i'll be seeing you again, so the warmest of farwells. sayonara, Shizu-chan." He turned and walked away. i bared my teeth and ran after him. i grabbed him by the hood of his jacked and turned him to face me. he had his usual annoying smug smirk on his face.

"What do you mean? stop speaking in riddles. also, what are you holding? and where you crying?" i growled. no answer. "flea?" the flea bit his lip and looked down at the thing he was holding.

"Fine. i'll tell you one thing. just one. have hate and love ever really been all that different? And can one's preference of another change in a millisecond?"

"Why do you never make any sense?"

"Because you have a brain ment for a simple protazoan, because your nothing but a simple monster. do you really need me to spell it out to you?"

"Maybe i do, flea, 'cause to you, i'm just a 'simple monster'." i spat.

"Fine." he growled, anger etching it's way into his face. "I'll tell you everything. Simply. and by everything, I really mean everything."

 **that was so short and i'm just so sorry i can't believe how pitiful that looks ;A;**

 **favorite, follow, review, and everything else! if you review i will give you a hug, ice cream, a chat with izaya and a cookie. :0 :)**


	3. on hope and love

**OMYGODS ITS FNALLY DONE HERE YOU GO I'M SO PROUD I ACTUALLY TRIED TO EDIT IT woops i was stuck in caps sorry. :)**

Izaya POV

I sat down on a booth in Russia Sushi, Shizuo sat across from me. It was dark out by then, and I had promised to tell him everything. Only then did i realize my mistake. By telling him everything, I would have to tell him 'it', the truth that nearly destroyed me, the truth that is still slowly tearing me apart. I took a deep breath and began:

"My childhood stank, i have neglecting parents and stupid sisters. There you go. You don't need to know more about that, so I'm skipping right to high school. I had been 'friends' with Shinra for a long time, and when he introduced me to you, I made it my life's goal to figure out what makes you click. So i spent a good portion of that year trying to do that. And I did. You're not so bad. Strip away the strength and the anger that comes with it, and you're really sweet-hearted and naive. I couldn't hate you after that. So my views changed. I... well... let's just say i fell for you pretty hard.

I heard a gagging sound as Shizuo choked on his spit. I couldn't help but smile. Anyway, high school was agonizing after that. I started to sink into a deep depression, doing anything to deny my feelings, and then when i was nineteen I found a cat. She was the light of my life, an amazing companion. And she helped me forget my life, helped me escape reality. Until today.

I stood up, and walked to the door. "There, now you know. You'll probably hate me even more now. I'm sorry." I left and walked until I got to the park, and found a cold bench to wait out on.

Shizuo POV

I sat there for a while, mulling over what Izaya had said. He loves me? I couldn't help but feel a little warmth in my heart for him, but only a monster could love a monster. But on the other hand, he seemed so sad, and forlorn, almost scared, and so... human.

I got up and followed Izaya, ending up in the park, (it was really just a few trees in the middle of a street), finding him sitting curled up on a bench. I walked over and sat down next to him, deciding to be nice to him.

"Hi" I said. His fingers twitched.

"Hi." He replied, keeping his gaze on the street and anywhere but me.

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" He copied, his mouth curving into a slight smile.

"Blah, blah, blah"

"Blah, blah, blah."

"Stop copying me"

"Stop copying me"

"I'm gay" I said.—me and my big ideas.

"Hah! I knew it!" Izaya said, "SHIZU-CHAN'S GAY" he yelled out for the world to hear.

"Hey! No, stop!" I cupped my hand over his mouth. He glared and mumbled something indecipherable through my hand.

He reached and pulled my hand from his mouth. He just sat there and looked at me. His eyes portrayed a lot of emotion, something I had never realized. Hate, love, grief, all mixed together in his angular red-brown eyes. "I'm sorry." he muttered. "For everything. For being so horrible to you, for killing so many people, for not hating you."

I reached out and took his hand in mine. "You're forgiven." I rubbed my thumb on the back of his hand. His cheeks colored a light rosy color. (I DO NOT LIKE HIM my mind screamed)

He looked at his feet. His hand was warm and smooth, a whole lot smaller than mine. "Really though. I have made so many people commit suicide, or homicide, or patricide, or some other 'cide'. Just last week, I gave a girl information about her boyfriend being in a color gang. They had a fight. He killed her, all because I couldn't keep my mouth shut."

"Your right, that is really awful." I said.

"I'm sorry." He yawned. "Ima get some sleep." And with that, his head dropped onto my shoulder. His breathing slowed and a peaceful expression came over his face. I soon fell asleep as well, his hand still in mine, his head still on my shoulder.

 **there you have it! i worked really hard on this, so please review. constructive criticism is always welcome ^-^**

 **also, on another foot, or leg, or whatever, i do accept story ideas. if you have any ideas about the next chapters in this story, or in others, they are completely welcome and wanted. :) (translation: Help!)**

 **if you review, i will love you forever. (i was lying on the last one, i don't have cookies) (this one is true though)**

 **my boys! 0w0 B) the power of emojis! *flies to china and back again***

 **i want to give credit to the band Starset, whose song where a light in the dark for me, and to creative, whose suggestions where very helpful**

 **:)**


	4. embarassment

**urgh this is really stupid. T^T**

Shizuo POV

"Shizuo?"

...

"Shizuo? Hel-lo-o, you in there?"

I woke up to Tom-san in my face, and Vorona behind him. Izaya was still snoring on my shoulder. We were still holding hands. And my boss was in front of me, silently judging me.

I mumbled a bunch of excuses, probably redder that that insect that had freaked me out and made me smack into a car yesterday. Bad memories.

Izaya woke with a start, saw me, yelled, and shoved away from me with the most comical embarrassment/fear expression on his face. Then he seemed to remember everything, cleared his thought, and slumped over the edge of the bench. "Urgh, Tom-san, you're interrupting my nap." he said as if nothing had ever happened. He half-closed his eyes, resembling a sleepy cat.

"You...him..." Tom made a gesture with his hands bringing them together as if praying.

"I think what my dim employer means to say is thus: are you and Izaya-san together? This is highly unbelievable information, the chances of conformation are point zero three five" Vorona said.

"No!" I said, probably way to quickly, because Izaya snickered from the other side of the bench.

"We need to work on your people skills, Shizu-chan" Izaya pushed himself into a regular position. "tom-san, Vorona" he half-bowed to each of them, stood up, and walked away, laughing manically. (HAHAHA YOU LIKE HIM BACK) said my mind. Stupid mind, saying things like that, stupid flea, twisting my emotions like that.

 **yaaaaay! waffles waffles, ice cream with cheese, and tacos!**

 **review ^-^**


	5. Psyche rising

**Spoiler alert, i put Psyche in this chapter, so if you don't know who he is, look him up.**

 _All around him, the spirits of people he had killed swirled around him, cursing him, stabbing him, cutting him to pieces, and there was nothing he could do to stop it as his blood ran down his body in rivers, coating him in a sticky red layer._

 _"Evil!"_

 _"Monster!"_

 _"You care only for yourself!"_

 _"Die and cleanse the world of yourself"_

 _"Die"_

 _"Die"_

 _"Die"_

 _"Rot in a pit"_

 _"No one will blink when you die"_

 _"_ No. i am not a monster. I am not evil. I do care for people. I just don't show it, but I am a monster, though, and I am cruel I am evil _" he thought, tears mixing with blood running down his cheeks, pain consuming him as he drifted into darkness, as he faded from reality._

"No!" i sat up with a gasp, breathing heavily, my face wet with salty tears, but not a drop of blood in sight. Just a dream. It was just a dream. I've turned myself into a monster, haven't I? The world really would be brighter if i was dead. If i just ended myself... I stood up and grabbed my coat, walked over to my spinney-thingy-chair and sat down. I pulled a knife from one of my coat pockets and just sat there, looking at it.

If I were to plunge the knife into my throat, it would kill me. Would Shizu-chan care? Probably not. Though he was nice to me last night. Well, no matter. I'll be gone by morning if i have my way. I call myself a god, but in truth, I'm only a man, with a monster inside me. And that monster is me. My personality. So i took a deep breath, closed my eyes, positioned my knife, and...

"Izaya!" a knock sounded on the door. I quickly put the knife down. Whoever was at the door had just saved me from suicide, from my dark side. I walked up to the door and opened it, in the door way stood a very embarrassed Shizuo Heiwajima. I tilted my head. "Yes? It's four in the morning."

"What are you doing? Are you busy?" Shizu-chan asked.

I looked back at my apartment, specifically at the knife on my desk. "Depends. What do you want?"

"Could you... find something for me?"

"A person or an object?"

"A person"

I grinned. "Great! Come in!" I sat down at my desk, brushing the knife aside, and started my computer. "Who is it? Some girl you fell in love with, and now you can't find her, and you think she killed herself because you were so horrible?"

"Actually, no. his name's Psyche Orihara. Pink and white jacket, constantly has headphones on?"

"My _brother?_ What do you want with him?"

"I need to talk to him."

"Alright, but it's your death wish. Give me one second" I picked up my phone and dialed my hyperactive brother's number.

" _Hello?_ "

"Listen, Psyche, i have someone who wants to see you, can you come over?"

 _"Nyan, Iza-chan wants to see me?"_

"No, i do not want to see you, Shizuo does, now will you please not call me that?"

 _"Mmm, the one you're in loooooove with?"_

"Will you just shut up and get your hyperactive stupid self over here?"

 _"If i come over, you promise not to take a knife to me? Even if I tell Shizuo-san you loooove him?"_

"Fine. But i already told him. And will you shut up?"

 _"Yes! IZA-CHAN SAID HE LOVES SHIIIIIZUOOOO-SAAAAN"_

"Shut up, you stupid idiot." I hung up. "Urgh. You owe me. At least you didn't ask to see Roppi. It's like talking to death itself." I looked over at Shizu-chan. he was standing next to my swiveling chair, his face red and his eyes wide. "I'll take it you heard Psyche's side of the conversation?" I said.

"Yep."

"Sorry you had to hear that. And just to prepare you, he's like that all the time."

 **Yay! Psyche! Sorry. I had to. I just love Izaya's alter egos so much. Should i bring in Roppi later on? Give me your advice if you can! TwT (i just make up these emojis sorry.)**

 **I liked this chapter. I think it shows two sides of him, his suicidal sad, lonely side, and his side that most people know.**

 **I got the "I'm only a man, with a monster inside me" quote from monster by imagine dragons. I love that song. ^-^ if you haven't heard it, LISTEN TO IT! For me? 0v0**


	6. siblings

Shizuo POV

"Open up, Iza-chan!" Izaya sighed and rose from his weird chair, and walked to the door.

"Coming, Psyche. And as I said before, stop calling me that." he opened the door. A man about three inches shorter than Izaya, with a blindingly white-and-pink outfit, headphones, and the same raven-colored hair as Izaya stood at the door, grinning like a maniac.

"Hell-o-o, people! Uwah, what do you want, Shizu-chan?" Psyche skipped up to him, bouncing on the soles of his feet.

"What is with you Oriharas and calling me that!? I refuse to be permanently labeled as 'cute'."

"Ah, don't be silly. Nii-san, do you have any bathrooms?"

"Of course i have bathrooms. I'm not made of stone." Izaya replied, deeply annoyed with Psyche.

"Okay, but into business! Shizu-san! You had something to talk to me about?"

"Umm, yeah. But i don't, err, want Izaya to hear."

"Soooo, nii-chan! Out!"

"This is my apartment, you know." Izaya got up and walked into a separate room. Psyche turned to him and shoved some of Izaya's computers to the side. He then sat down on the desk, swinging his legs like a little kid." well, what you want to talk to me about?" he asked.

"Izaya."

"mmm. He really does have feelings for you, you know."

"Yeah. But it's something else. I think…well, I think he was, you know. Trying to kill himself."

"Ne, and how do you know that?"

I sorta peeked into his apartment, and he was, I dunno, just sitting there, looking at a knife, and then he sorta, i think, prepared to, you know, stab himself?"

"Yep. I guess it runs in the family."

"What do you mean?"

"Roppi tried to do that once."

"Huh. But why would Izaya want to die? I thought he wanted to be, like, immortal."

"He talked to me about it once. It might not seem like it, but i am actually older than him. I love him. He's really fragile, you know."

"It doesn't make sense though."

"Nothing makes sense with Izaya. But let me ask you something. Do you love him back?"

"I don't know. It's really confusing, not to be trying to kill him all the time."

"Nyan, so serious. Is that all?"

"I think so."

"good." psyche took a piece of paper and a pen from one of Izaya's desk drawers. He scribbled some numbers on it in big, feminine, loopy cursive. "This is my phone number. If you have anything else you need to talk about, just tell me. Now i think I'll stay the night, if only to annoy nii-chan." he flopped down on Izaya's big couch and exhaled. Izaya walked out of the room.

"Psyche, it's time for you to leave." he glare at his brother.

"Tsk, tsk, so mean. I'm staying the night."

"No, you're not. Get out."

"Jeez, nii-san, what burst your bubble?"

"You."

"Mwah, if i must, but I'll be coming back. It's time we had a family reunion, don't you think?"

"Not really."

Psyche stood and left with an energetic wave. "Bye-bye, nii-chan, Shizu-chan!"

"Izaya exhaled. "I hate family." He muttered to himself. Why was he so grumpy now? The mysteries of Izaya.

 **Iza-chan is so mean to psyche! how is that, mmm?**

 **i want to apologiese for my first two chapters. they sucketh.**


	7. mixed feelings

**hi, guys! i want to apologize for my first two chapters, turns out there's nothing i can do to change it. (stupid fanfiction)**

izaya POV

Izaya POV

"How are we feeling today, Shizu-chan?" I asked.

I looked down on the man from my perch on a low-ish roof. God, he was beautiful. But moving on...

"Fine, flea. I'm not in the mood to skirmish"

"I don't feel like fighting you, is it illegal now to say hello?" i hopped down and walked next to him, my hands in my coat pockets, a slight smile on my face.

"No. but with you, every word that comes out of your mouth should be taken like poison."

"Aww, Shizu-chan's so mean!"

"Sorry."

"Ah. It's nothing. Oh! I've never seeeeen that before!" we had reached a tree alight with pink blossoms planted in the middle of the city.

"How did you miss that?"

"I've never seen it in bloom, i mean. I've always wanted to, but..." I ran up to the tree and reached to touch one of the delicate pink petals. Such beauty that flourished, even within the depths of this concrete city.

Shizuo POV

Izaya Orihara. i hated him, right? But just like he said, hate and love are very close. And the lines that separate them can blur into a smudge, making a person unsure of his true feelings. Is this how Izaya felt? Like there was two sides of you, battling it out inside of you? He looks so caring, brought to happiness by a simple tree. Who knew Izaya could love? Who knew he could be _human?_ Even with all the time I've known him, I've sorta thought of him like a demon. But he's not. He's just lonely and misinterpreted. I pity him, I really do, but, whether he loves me or not, if i told him that, I'd probably end up missing an arm or leg. Or head. I shuddered at the thought.

He turned away from the tree, and looked at me, this caring expression on his face I've never seen him use. I smiled at him and his smile grew in turn. He then whirled around and skipped away, probably cackling to himself like he does, annoying bastard.

I thought about my talk with Psyche. The kid was smart, no matter how hyperactive he acted. And he had good advice, helped a lot.

I thought about my feelings. Usually, I would just punch someone when i had a problem, but I doubt that it would solve any problems to do that. I mean, Izaya is attractive, and this new side of him, the caring, not-psychotic side of him, is endearing. i can't help but feel a pull in the direction of Love, that side of me getting a leg up on Hate. Maybe i can love him back. Maybe i do. Maybe... when you piece it together, I might love him? You know what? I need to talk to Celty. She usually has good opinions about this subject. And maybe Erika...

 **bleh, so short. basically Shizuo whining about whether or not he loves Izaya. I'm going to do a kiss scene in the next chapter, i think. (i can't promise you it'll be good.)**

 **review review review!**


	8. talk it out

Celty POV

i walked up the stairs to my apartment, exhausted from a hard day's work, only to see one Shizuo Heiwajima banging on my door. I tapped him on the shoulder and shoved my phone in his face.

 _YOU'RE BREAKING MY DOOR. What do you want?!_

"Oh, umm... sorry about that. I was wondering if i could talk to you."

 _What about?_

Um, well i already talked to psyche, but i need some better advice.

 _Hmm, about WHAT, though?_

Izaya.

 _What did you do? Did you kill him? Where is he?!_ i panicked. Izaya wasn't the nicest person, but i didn't want him dead.

"No, he's alive. And well. I'll explain."

 _OK do you want to come in?_

"Why not?"

I turned the doorknob and the door opened. i gave Shizuo a 'glare'. (At least it would have been if i had had a face.) And stepped in. Shinra ran over from behind the couch and hugged me.

"Oh, Celty! I'm so glad you're back! It sounded like there was a mob of people banging on the... oh. Um, hi, Shizuo." Shinra awkwardly extricated himself from the situation and sulked into the bedroom. I'll have to console him later, i guess. i sat down on the couch, and Shizuo sat in a chair across from me.

 _Well, spit it out. What do you want to talk to me about?_

"I...think I'm in love with someone."

I squealed (mentally, of course), an embarrassing moment but whatever. _REALLYWHOISITTHATSSOGREATIMSOHAPPYFORYOUTHISISGREAT XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD_

"it's not so great... well, I'll start at the beginning: Izaya's cat died so he yelled at me and then he said he loves me and i was like what and then we fell asleep together and now we sorta have this truce and i think i have feelings for him but I'm not sure I've always hated him but now i don't uuurgh I'm so confused"

 _Okay. Since you actually had the thoughts that you might love him-wait. IZAYA LOVES YOU?!_

The unexpected reality hit me like a truck. Izaya and Shizuo... a paradox, or so i thought. Gosh, now I'm really confused.

"Geez, Celty, it's not like... you know what? I think i do, love him. Thanks, Celty, you're the best." i stood up and hugged her.

"Open up, Shinra!" came a voice from the door.

THUD

Me, celty, and Shinra, who had ran out of his bedroom, ran to the door. On the other side of the wood, a couple feet from the hallway, lay an unconscious. Blood-covered Izaya, cut up like he got stabbed as many times as that roman emperor, Julius Ceaser.

 _What. No._

 **sorry about that. i just get sick of this happinese and fluff. since i'm really, uber emo, i just can't take it. tears are refreshing, ne? quite litterally, it has to do with flushing out crud and stuff, and as a bit of protection. (yaaaay, last year's anatomy class~ i finally got to use the simple knowledge! ^-^) blweh, i think i might kill izaya, and then shizuo will die of greif. ^-^ (not really) how did you like the celty bit? i feel like the story was lacking in her, but now she gets an entire chapter! *hums fall out boy lyrics to self***


	9. nightmares and emotions

**I really like writing tragic thought fics. Maybe i could do something like that here...**

 **I just realized that this has been a cleaner fanfiction, in terms of language.**

 **This should be longer than most of the previous chapters.**

Izaya POV

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an adrenaline junkie, or one of those thrill seekers that like to climb Everest, or swim rapids. I don't want to die. I'm good at not dying. But, every once and a while, I slip up. Just the tiniest mistake, like telling the gang leader in front of me to 'shove off'. Perfectly safe to say if it wasn't him. He doesn't take no for an answer, i knew that, and i still pretty much said 'no.' so here i am, slowly dragging my feet in the direction of Shinra's place, in hopes to keep myself alive, knife marks all over my body, defeated by the leader of the blue squares, Aoba. The one person I promised to not let him touch me, to not let him near me. After what felt like hours, I stood in front of the door to Shinra's apartment, screamed at the door, and collapsed, hoping that i made it till tomorrow.

Shizuo POV.

I sat on the couch, nervously waiting for Shinra to come out of that damn lab room. What felt like hours passed by slower than molasses, inching on, until, finally, Shinra opened the door and stepped out.

"Can i go in?" I asked.

"You promise not to kill him? He's in really bad shape."

"Promise."

"That's new. Who are you, and what did you do with Shizuo?"

"Nothing, still here." I gave a half-hearted laugh, and went inside Shinra's blindingly white operation room.

The first thing i noticed was Izaya. He was sleeping on a hospital-like, creepily white bed. He was paler than usual, his face covered in little scratches. His arms where covered in bandages. (The sleeves of his shirt where rolled up). His brow was furrowed, and he was whispering something in his sleep. I walked closer to him.

"I am not a monster...i am not...i am...a monster...i am not a monster...i am not a monster." Izaya repeated in his sleep. He was probably having a nightmare or something. I reached out and poked his arm, in a feeble attempt to wake him up. He did nothing of the sort. How dare he. I pulled up a chair and sat next to him, just sat there and stared into space.

Izaya POV

 _The same thing, every night, just like always. Ghosts swirled around him, cursing him and hacking at him with everything from axes to scissors, as blood ran in rivers down him and pooled below him. He was powerless, powerless to do anything but speak. This was his dream. His nightmare, if you will. He had it every time he closed his eyes with the intention to sleep. It bore into his soul, hurting him worse than anything else, worse than rejection, hate, love pain, and just the feeling of being alive. This was the truth, and that he knew. This was all there was, all that was left. Just this dark, ghost-filled dream. The bare, real truth that was left in front of him, like a book, to read, except for the fact that he didn't want to._

 _"i am not a monster" he thought to himself, as the pain got too much to bear, and he began to fall, ground evaporating under his feet, as he plunged into the darkness below him. He closed his eyes and waited for the dream to end. this is where it always does, this is where he wakes up, gasping in a cold sweat, except this time it doesn't stop, he keeps falling, into oblivion, falling, falling forever, until a lake of his own red blood appears, and he hits with enough force to kill an elephant. Everything goes black for a second, and then he wakes up._

I woke up from my nightly nightmare, and sat up. My forehead collided with something hard, and I fell back onto whatever i had been sleeping on. "Ooow." pain exploded all around my body as i gasped for air. I blinked, getting used to the bright white room I was in, and looked around. There was an IV machine next to me, but it wasn't on. And then there was Shizu-chan, his brow furrowed in concern. "Where you watching me sleep?" i asked suspiciously. "That's very romance-novel-eusq, and sort of cute, but could you, I don't know, not sit where I can split my skull smacking into you?"

"Sorry." he said, flushing bright red. It was interesting, actually. A lot of people cannot blush, and Shizu-chan is one of the first people I've met to actually blush in front of me. There was that one girl, my first romantic preference, but that story only ends with pain and sadness. "I wasn't... well... i was, you know, watching you, but... where you having a nightmare?" he tilted his head, like a curious dog, I guess.

"Silly Shizu-chan, Izaya Orihara doesn't get nightmares."

"Yes, you do. Everyone does. You're not a god, flea. No matter how hard you try to be one, you are mortal, and human, just like the rest of us."

"What happened to you? Why aren't you trying to kill me? Why are you being so... human?"

"Cause I am human, I am not a monster. And maybe I stopped hating you when you started to act like you actually felt something, when you showed me that you where human, that you were not a monster. You're not a monster, Izaya. I promise you. We are different, yes, but not monster different."

"But... i guess i was having a so-called 'nightmare', but I have one every night, so who's going to care?" I painfully heaved myself up into a sitting position.

"If it means anything, I care."

"You? Why? I mean, you're Shizu-chan. you don't care about me."

"I do. a lot has changed in the past few days, flea."

"Mph. like what?" i teased, allowing my usual smirk to rest on my face.

"I don't know, flea. You, for one thing. And me. I think i might like you back, but I'm not sure." he said.

I tilted my head, analyzing him for signs of lying. It seemed like he was telling the truth, but it was still unbelievable, that anyone could like me. "Ne, how fluffy." inwardly, I just wanted to hug him, but that would be outside of my 'keep away from things that make you cry' protocol.

"It's strange, isn't it, that you, of all people will actually talk to me like I'm not a monster." He said.

I bit my lip, and replied. "You aren't, i never thought you were. Masks and lies are what keeps me alive, see. And if i eff up, like i did today, I'm screwed."

"What happened? Is that how you got julius-ceaser-ed?"

"What?"

"In history class, in high school, they said that he got stabbed, like a ton of times. Like you."

"mm. i said no to the wrong person. Kay?"

"Who?"

"Aoba. Have you ever meet him? Annoyingly intelligent, blue hair, former leader of the blue squares, a little bit attractive?" i plainly stated. Screw lies. I'm tired of deceit.

"Eech. Maybe."

"Now let's back up to that part where you mentioned 'liking me back'. True or false?" I inquired.

"Uuuuumm..." Shizu-chan flushed red for the second time in this conversation. Yep.

"True?" i inquired, having quite a lot of fun, teasing his emotions.

"I... um... yeah. I like you back."

"That, makes you gay."

"I'm not gay, you are."

"No, I'm not. I'm pansexual."

"What's that?"

"Stupid Shizu-chan, it means i can love anybody, male, female, bisexual, straight, gay, gender fluid, transgender, anybody."

"I'm bi, i guess."

"That just means you only love people fitted to the male/female spectrum. Simple, and easier to understand."

"You think too much." he stared at me, in this weird way, like... i don't know. But it made me sorta uncomfortable, and flushed.

"It's part of my personality, get used to it."

"When i talked to psyche..." he said, still looking at me, almost lovingly, with a touch of worry thrown in.

"I know, i heard everything. You think i tried to kill myself. And i did. Multiple times. Over multiple reasons, by self-starvation, blood loss, overall uncaring, I've almost jumped off a couple buildings." I listed all of my suicide attempts, as if i was listing types of cupcakes, or sushi, or kittens. I miss my cat. Shizuo looking more and more horrified as i talked.

"But that's horrible!" he said.

"No, it's not. My first attempt was when i was around ten. I tried to jump off the apartment building. I just ended up with a couple nasty broken bones." I frowned at the memory. If only I could forget.

Then Shizuo did something i would never, ever expect. He hugged me, gently, as not to hurt me, and, ever so cautiously, ever, ever so gently, kissed me. Just for a little bit. Just a tiny kiss. But it meant something, you know? I hugged him back, and kissed him in turn, my lips moving against his, softer than I would have thought, the kiss still gentle, but more passionate. He hugged me a bit tighter, and kept kissing me. Then, after a couple seconds more of pure bliss, the door to the operation room opened, and Shinra looked at us like we were Martians.

 **Aaaawww, I want more now. But i digress. Sorry about that one kiss scene. I have barely any experience in that department, and I'm not Shure if kissing a girl is different from kissing a guy, or what... | i haaate Aoba. That one time when Mikado stabbed him with a pen? Awesome. I hope you remember to review, cause it's just so nice when someone actually talks to me, and so damn unexpected. (I don't get much love in the real world)**


	10. indifferent reasoning

**I realized I've been forgetting to say this: i don't own DRRR. *don't sue me* but seriously, why do you even need to say this? Would i be doing this if i did own it? I think not.**

 **I swear, my personality is almost the same as Izaya, with a little dash of Hachimenroppi's hate for humanity. Disturbing, ne?**

Shinra POV

"I... but... you... how could... are you... Izaya and..." i didn't really know what to expect when i walked into that room, maybe Shizuo standing over a dead Izaya, maybe them both sleeping, something along those lines. What i didn't expect to see, was them _making out_. It's not like I'm a homophobe, I'm fine with gay people, but those two? A pairing only Erika could strive for. And them, snogging?

Shizuo turned around in the chair, which made a horrible screeching sound in the process. "It's not what you think it is!" he said, his voice shifting up an octave. Izaya smirked and attempted to get up, only to cry out in pain, and to fall back onto the bed.

"You'll break your stitches, Izaya. Do you realize how long it took for me to fix you?" i said accusingly, deciding to ignore the 'making out' bit.

"Sorry, sorry. No one tells me these things. Urgh. Do you have any painkillers?"

"No, not for you anyways."

"Is this some sort of punishment? What'd i do wrong?"

"Nothing, i want you to be aware of the pain so you don't move. Knowing you, the moment you don't feel pain, you'll flounce out of here, and I'm not quite ready for you to do that. I want to monitor you for a couple hours. You had some internal bleeding a while ago, it seems to have stopped for now, but i want to make sure."

"Isn't that really bad?" Shizuo asked. Since when did he care?

"Sometimes, but in Izaya's case, it's not too bad. It just means its best he isn't active for about a week. Yes, I'm talking about you, Izaya."

"But shiiiiinra i don't waaaaant that..." Izaya wined. I decided to leave them in peace, maybe set up a camera and monitor to watch them. Just to make sure Izaya doesn't get himself into trouble, of course.

Shizuo POV

"Well that was... interesting." Izaya said from the edge of the bed.

"What?" i asked. Izaya had this weird blissful smile on his face as he stared at the ceiling.

"You. You K-I-S-S-E-D me." he spelled out the word 'kissed'.

"Stupid flea." i stated in a dignified manner.

"Ne, where's my coat?"

"here." i tossed him his folded up coat. He hugged it, and then painfully wriggled into it. He then pointed at the ceiling.

"ah, Shizu-chan, look." i looked to where he was pointing, and saw a little black fly stuck in a spider web.

"The fly got stuck in the web by unknowingly flying to far, exploring to deep. And, as he struggles to escape the grips of it, he still knows that this is the end, that the spider will, eventually consume im. He's probably thinking that he shouldn't have crossed the line, that he should have done something different. But now, he's stuck. And, if he could, eventually escape from the web, where would he be then? He'd probably be harmed in some mutilating way, only to die anyway. So, in the end, what's the point of fighting it? Isn't it better to go painlessly, in a chemical-induced sleep, than to slowly drift away in agony? But, as he fights the web, the spider only draws closer." I saw a yellow-ish spider coming towards the fly from a corner of the web. "If someone were to deliberately untangle the fly from the web, then maybe, he could be spared. But by now it's too late. You see, fate has a strange way of setting you up for failure, because, in the end, everything dies. Everything comes to an end. Nothing is permanent. You can change the webs of time a bit, but in the end, you'll always come to the same fate. The cause may be different, being disemboweled by a truck, or dying peacefully in your sleep, which is worse? They both have the same outcome, so what's the point trying to last a little longer?" he sighed, a forlorn expression on his face.

"You're talking about yourself, right?" i wondered out loud.

"In a way, i am the fly, you are the spider, and the web is my forever cursed life, so yes."

"What do you mean by that?"

"In the end, you will kill me, whether you mean to or not, i think there's a fifty-seven point nine-three-five chance you will be the cause of my death."

"I'm trying to be _nice_ to you."

"You'll get tired of me. Promise. No one ever gives a damn about me after a couple years."

"What about Shinra and celty?"

"All Shinra cares about is that dullahan. He's obsessed. Celty sort of cares, but she wouldn't come to my funeral, or anything."

"You're way too hard on yourself."

"No one could ever love a monster, no one ever will."

"Why do you keep doing this? Every time i try to lift your spirits, or be nice to you, you say something bad about yourself! It's like you _want_ people to hate you! And I love you! So what if I'm a monster? You just... What goes on in that mind of yours?" I narrowed my eyes and gave him an intimidating look.

He sat up, and looked at the floor, his bangs obscuring his face. "You're just so stupid sometimes. I'm Izaya. You're Shizu-chan. nothing ever goes right for anybody close to me."

"You make no sense, i swear."

"Too bring up a previous discussion, and to ignore the current one, you kissed me, and you said you loved me. Don't deny it, i have ears and a rather good memory, if i do say so myself."

"I guess so."

He gave me a tiny smile that lit up his face, if only a little. "I love you to, then."

 **Urgh, my writing skills are sickening.**

 **Thank you for any reviews you give, i try to reply (ha-ha that rhymed) to all of my reviews.**

 **Aoba is important in the story, and I've got it all planned out now, so i just want to warn you, the ending is going to be depressing. Veeery depressing.**


	11. sweet dreams

**I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG DON'T KILL MEEEEEE *HIDES***

Izaya POV, three hours later.

I walked out of Shinra's apartment, having been diagnosed as fine. Not much moving though, how tiresome. I decided i would follow the underground doctor's rules. No need for an angry Shinra at one's tail, ne? I directed myself in the way of home, and began walking (not without pain, mind you) towards Shinjunku. Shizuo followed at my tail.

"Hey, flea." He spoke from behind me.

"Hmm, Shizu-chan has something to say?" I turned to face him and walked backwards, one eye on the sidewalk, one eye on Shizuo.

"Yeah, actually. Shinra said i should visit you from time to time, so I was wondering if you... would mind me coming over for an hour or so."

"If you must, though i don't appreciate Shinra setting such things up without my consent." I turned back around and walked like a human. I still deny my humanness. Monster, god, not human. I don't want to be human.

"kay." the rest of the walk to my apartment was spent in silence. The stairs seemed to be five times taller than usual. Probably should have taken the elevator. I walked into my apartment and collapsed on the couch.

"Make yourself comfortable, Shizu-chan. I'm going to take a nap." I curled up into a ball and fell asleep. I immediately slipped into a dream, but this was different from my usual nightmare. Happier, almost. More of a flashback.

 _He walked along the path, warm tears mixing with the bitter cold of the pouring rain. He wore no coat, had no umbrella, and was soaked to the skin. He was Izaya Orihara, and he was falling apart. He observed each crack in the sidewalk, each blade of grass, and the cardboard box with a tail sticking out of it, and faint mewling sounds coming from it. He crouched down and looked in the box. A kitten, tiny and helpless sat in a large and growing puddle of dirty rainwater. He pulled the kitten out of the box and cradled it to his chest. "Alone like me, huh, little one? A fate no one deserves." he muttered. He stood up and walked home, the little black kitten with a white shoulder sitting in his arms._

"WHAT THE FUCK, FLEA!" I jolted out of my slumber and glared at Shizu-chan.

"Please refrain from using such vulgar language in my home, Shizuo. What is it?" I stumbled to my feet.

"WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A HEAD?!"

"Do not scream, you'll give the neighbors an aneurism. And of course i have a head. I need somewhere to keep my brain."

He calmed himself down and pointed towards Celt's head. Shoot. I winced. "Oh, that head. I found it, and i like it. Long story, actually. I would prefer not to speak about it."

"But..."

"Shh, Shizu-chan. none of your business. Understood? "

"yes." he said, reluctantly.

 **I'm so sorry that was awful T.T I just have so little inspiration this week. More shizaya in the next chapter, though. I really appreciate anything you have to say, it makes me grin like an idiot.**

 **THIS IS TAKING SO LONG I'M SOOORRRRYYYY I'VE JUST BEEN REALLY BUSY AND AAGGHHH**


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